Prayer

God bring suffering and Pain into my life that I may seek you all the more.

God, hold my hand through suffering and Pain that I may seek you all the more.

really

it's been 2 and some months and then suddenly, kazaam.

the mental burdens return-- air plane air plane...

wow.

shook hands with a hero of mine tonight.

http://articles.cnn.com/2009-03-19/living/cnnheroes.jorge.munoz_1_hot-meal-bus-driver-food?_s=PM:LIVING

more to follow soon.

money money money

money is alot like cameras.

it's simply a tool, not an identity.

it's not about what you have or how much you own, but how you use it. people focus so much on brand and quantity, when in the end, what you make of it is so much more significant.

such is life.

.

why do i feel like i always have to prove myself to people.

tired. real tired.

7 photo shoots in 10 days.

i really need a break.

Note to self

The two worst things a person can do when they realized they are blessed is:
1. Not be grateful 2. Stay comfortable

thoughts of the moment: ministry

i recall a conversation i once had with a friend... perhaps it was 7 or 8 years ago.

a bunch of us were in the car, and we had driven by the scene of an evening car accident. most of us were oooing and awwing at the obviously unfortunate of the event. someone had comment "man, that sucks to be them"- a typical and socially acceptable reaction.

then i asked one friend why she was silent-- what was she thinking? she later told me "every time i see a car accident, i don't say anything. i just silently pray for them".

what a great example of what it means to be ministers of the Gospel. it's not always about feeding people or giving hugs or donating money. those are good things too. how many times do we forget to simply pray for others- whether it be enemies or friends, strangers or family.

someone once told me that God doesn't need us to pray so that He can know what's on our hearts. He already knows. so why pray? it's because by praying, we're demonstrating faith. faith that He'll do what He does best- be in control.

i think about that car accident story frequently. every time I see a car accident, often that story replays in my mind. though me and that friend are quite distant now because of academics, careers, and travels, I'm glad that they were in my life. some friends come and go, others stay, but no friend exists without leaving a footprint.

thanks friend.

doors and storms

life has become such a whirl wind in the last week.

overwhelmed with photography work, and at my full time job i'm getting a lot of heat for really trivial things.

emotionally, complete storm of emotions, confusion, and a ton of unanswered questions. is it real?? should i chase? or is it a simple fading of emotions that I haven't tasted in 25 months?

but life has gotten so busy it's easier to be numb about everything.

plus, the doors are slowly opening to some future opportunities of adventure + life.

God, you are mysterious but you are still in control.

...surrendering is a constant battle that leads to victory.

your hands and feet.

i want to be

an old Franciscan blessing/prayer

God bless you with discomfort

At easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships

So that you may live deep within your heart

May God bless you with anger

At injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people,

So that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.

May God bless you with tears

To shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger and war,

So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and To turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness

To believe that you can make a difference in the world,

So that you can do what others claim cannot be done

To bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor.

searching for a partnership

i always thought my pickyness would do me no good. indecisiveness, lots of disappointment, lotsa of rejection.

but after all this searching and searching and research and emails, i think my pickyness will be worth it. things that i mentally filter OUT regarding ngo's and non-profits

1) groups who offer magazine/periodical subscription

2) activities that include going to the pool or computer technology

3) "backpackers welcome"

4) ecotourism

5) play with monkeys

i'm not against fun or recreation. but i guess for me, i'm searching for groups in what i think are "real need". things like holding kids hands, reading together, cooking as a community. some argue I'm against the luxuries of life but I wouldn't want to go that extreme. fun is nice but there's a whole lot of people in need-- orphanages, understaffed medical clinics, and languages going extinct. why do we spend so much effort conserving colorful birds and studying monkey and chinchilla behavior when there's thousands of kids roaming the streets, near-naked, painfully hungry, and in need of something as small as a hug?

dear You, the readers who still frequent my off-beat blog, don't take hugs for granted.

the story behind the image.

photo credit by Todd Heisler.

so powerful.

http://www.rockymountainnews.com/special-reports/final-salute/

today

i didn't get much done on my todo list

but the most important one was done. yes.

back to working on my patience.

let's play a game

i am most sad when...... i see people who are bored at life.

i am fascinated by.... the culture of Islam.

i am also fascinated by.... cuy.

guinea pigs anyone?

whoa.

you're really teaching me about patience, aren't you?

ah, this one is worth posting.

"Peace.
it doesn't mean to be in a place
where there is no noise, trouble
or hard work. it means to be in
the midst of those things and still
be calm in your heart."

unknown

reflection

I dwelled on these two verses a lot my senior year in college.

⁶Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

(Philippians 4:6-7)

It's funny how thinking about certain words can help one recall other moments, particular moments and events, in one's life. I worry alot. I worry when people don't call back, when people don't text back, and when people don't respond to my emails. It's a frivolous sort of worry-- am i being rejected? Do they not care? Did my email not go through? Are they simply... taking their time to respond? I feel this way in business, personal, social, and academic emails. Man if I were a comedian, I'd totally rip on my internal worries like a bean-eating-competitor rips gas....

How silly for me to worry so much. I've become so .. neurotic?.. and anxious. So uptight about making sure my work is done, emails are sent and schedules are confirmed.

So often we hear verse 6 quoted-- not worrying, not being anxious. More importantly is the word "Do" at the beginning. Simply put, this signifies a command by the author to "do". Not a suggestion, not an idea, but a very strong command. Moreso, people often forget to recite the second part of this command/message- verse 7. Why do we not worry? What will be promised to us by not worrying?

Check it again. Verse 7. And the peace of God.. that transcends all understand.. these words were very powerful to me in my final year of undergrad. A peace I could not comprehend with my tiny little pea brained mind, a peace so big it could only come from God. My senior year was full of trouble, turmoil, pain, growth, adventure, and confusion. I was hurt, angry, but also excited about life, a lot more open-minded, a bit wreckless, and a whole lot more free. And I longed for that peace again within my life. Behind that storm cloud which hovered over my heart, my head, my life for all those months, I felt a bigger peace placed on my heart. For me, I think peace came when I drowned myself into the lives of others-- hanging out at the train station those late nights, sipping coffee and listening to the life stories of other people. Smelling their smoke, scenting their cheap vodka and urine-soaked clothing, but more importantly, reciprocally acknowledging our own humanity. They knew they were human, but by us being there and striking up companionship and simple genuine company, it made me feel human again. In a weird way, I felt more alive and more real hanging out with the homeless folks than I did in CCF, then I did in the dining hall. If anything, it reminded me how much more blessed I was than I gave God credit for.

moments that wake us up. that's what i love. that's where I find a lot of peace. in the end, God grants us peace not in peaceful places or happy times, but when we seek him and surrender our own selfish worries to his Lordship.

so emo

this blog has become so emo

its ok. i have every right to ramble as i wish, as this blog is mine (or so they say).

clocked 14 hours today in front of computer screens doing work. not a lifetime record, but definitely a headache to think about. my mom and i recently argued about how much i'm hurting my eyes with doing all this work, and i tell her i have no choice (because i really don't). she said "and when you go blind, what's all that work going to matter then?" i had no answer. and then i continued to do work.

is this what i really want?

should i just quit, mid october?

are finances really that important? im not desperate, i'm just trying to have a cushion for the winter months.

in other news, i realized my ability to perceive nearly everyone around me as "less than on par" in their work ethics is simply because i'm an obsessive, compulsive, arrogant perfectionist. i demand too much because i feel like if work should be done, it should be done very well and very good. not that i output work like that all the time, but that's how i perceive an end-product to be. do i nag people too much for little mistakes? spelling, punctuation, color, blemishes, tiny errors in their essays and in their subject titles? mispelled names? yes. do they deserve it? probably not.

but honestly, in the working professional world-- student, athlete, photographer, business person, i think there should be a high standard of competence. if you can't fit that competence, find another job. or go back to school. or return that bachelors of yours. yes that was a mean thing to say, but we're adults now. think the FLIPSIDE. if you were corresponding with another person/business, how would you like it if they spelled things wrong, produced badly-grammaticized emails and sloppy work? i certainly wouldn't return phone calls or emails or give them my business.

i like puppies. i like dopey puppies.

i want a break from life.

and i need a hug.

/end ramble

hrm

so i've decided that work isn't an obsession of mine. i think it's become a dangerous, evil master to my head.